Beautiful You

Beautiful you, 

Fortunate me,

You're so captivating,

Head down to your feet...

(Michael O'Brien, Something About Us)

Dearest Baji,

I woke up at 4 a.m with this song playing in my head, and even though it's a love song thoroughly enjoyed by your dad and I, God used it to speak to my heart in the early morn.

Yours hasn't been the easiest journey, and from the time you were conceived, it feels like there's always been a battle for your life. But somehow, with God's help, you've soldiered on and brought Him and us immense joy.

I look at your face as you tackle your exercises and my heart sings with gratitude: for life, love and God's faithfulness. Even though some days seem longer than others, and I feel ill equipped for the job at hand, God continues to remind me to rest in Him.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. (Psalms 91:1)

Way before I learnt the truth of dwelling in God, I used to dread entering the church creche for fear of what people would think. I agonized over what to say when a fellow mum asked me about your age, as I assumed that they only did so to get an opportunity to brag about the various milestones their babies had achieved. Crazy, right? I thank God for His grace because in His wisdom, He slowly started unraveling the lie that being different was bad; weak even.

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
(1 Corinthians 1:27)

I now look at you and see you for the good and perfect gift that you are. I feel so blessed and fortunate to be your mummy, and to watch you grow into the Joshua that God has called you to be. Through you, He is teaching me to be strong and courageous; to focus on the riches of Canaan instead of the mirage of giants on the way.

I love you loads baby.

Always,

Mummy

When it's not the toddler with the tantrum!

I've been having a tough week: a throat infection, poor sales at my business, not to mention past insecurities that seem to have chosen to resurface at this time. I have taken it all to God in prayer, but to be honest, I've still been feeling antsy about it all. That being the case, I've not been a very pleasant person to be around. I've morphed into this creature with a myopic sense of self, such that the world could just as well be blown into smithereens & all I'd be thinking about is 'poor ol' me'.

It's only yesterday that the Holy Spirit led me to do some serious introspection, particularly after I'd spoken ill of someone. No sooner had I tried painting the person in a negative light,did I really start listening to myself, and what I heard wasn't orchestral. I heard the strains of bitterness that seemed to be taking root in me. There was a broken record of 'if only's' that had made me miss out on the simple joys of relating with others; enjoying friendship and fellowship while accepting that perfection is God and God alone. I heard chords of guilt and shame, about a past that refused to accept that God's grace was more than a soothing balm; it was also a healing balm.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6

I believed that I had been praying my worry away, until God's spirit showed me what my prayers had really been: demands and threats. I, Muhito, demanded that the God of the universe attend to my needs immediately, in a manner that I deemed fit. I read my Bible (more like skimmed and schemed through it), all the while twiddling my thumbs awaiting the opportunity to present my list to God. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with presenting your list of requests to God, but the attitude really matters. You see, my heart wasn't in thanksgiving mode at any one point. Instead of praising while waiting, I was busy pouting & throwing myself a pity party. I even  went as far as mentally listing all the bad things that had happened in my life & trying to arm-twist God into making things easier for me henceforth.The result? peace eluded me and my nights were spent soaking up my pillow with tears. 

Our God is indeed a merciful God, and even after I'd thrown what could only be compared to a ginormous toddler tantrum at a candy aisle,He reached down and picked me off the floor.  Just like a toddler, I resisted. My arms were flailing about in anything but worship. I was screaming inwardly and tears blurred my vision - but Father continued to hold me. And when the tears had dried up and the fight in me had taken flight, I looked up and saw a face that loved me, in spite of everything. That for me, is the definition of grace.

Awesome 2!

Your dad and I agreed on a keepsake for you on every birthday - a letter from each of us just to remind you (and us) how blessed we are to have you. You turned 2 on 11/04/12 so this is definitely long overdue.

Being a mum to you has changed me. You've taught me how to love fiercely, and yet freely; to dance unreservedly (even if my greatest moves are only executed in my head); to share my affections and afflictions. 

There was a time when you wholly depended on me for almost everything. Days in my foolishness that I wished would be a thing of the past so that I could get my life back. But now as I look at you run and slowly gain your independence I want to turn back the clock and get that little babe back. I know... it's the crazy mummy hormone - heavily addicted to gummy smiles, soft blankies and yummy smelling soft skin.

I thank God for His having allowed me to be available to you thanks to my work-from-home business. I love the special moments we've shared mixing cake batter, perfecting mum-mum's secret vanilla cake frosting (which you now can't stand!), singing our prayers, feeding Pooh and Yuki... It's in this memories in the making that God reminds me to savor our time together. My task list may no longer include transporting you everywhere, or spoon-feeding you the pureed foods that you so despised; but I'm honored that I still get to speak words of blessings over you.

May the Lord instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; May He counsel you with His loving eye on you. (Psalms 32: 8)

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.(Philippians 4:19)

This is the day the Lord has made;may you always rejoice and be glad in it.(Psalms 118:24)

Love you always,
Mummy

Love? Really mummy?

Ok. So we tried putting it off for as long as we could. We discussed it, prayed about it, and silently hoped that that day was a long way off. But it finally came.

Pouting lips. A defiant stare. Stubborn little legs that stood their ground demanding their way NOW!  


"I have a visitor, what will she think of me?"
"I don't want to do this without her daddy here." 
But if I did nothing, I knew that I would hurt her more.


I looked at her. She glared back, with a small victorious smile starting to form.


A gentle but swift spank on her bum. Silence... then tears. 


Wide tear-brimmed eyes asking why. A mother's silent prayer to heaven wondering if she did the right thing.


An answer in the form of  chubby hands around her. Maybe not immediately, but all the same a welcome relief, whatever the hour.

"... “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” ...Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live!...No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

                                      Hebrews 12:5-6,9,11