I've been having a tough week: a throat infection, poor sales at my business, not to mention past insecurities that seem to have chosen to resurface at this time. I have taken it all to God in prayer, but to be honest, I've still been feeling antsy about it all. That being the case, I've not been a very pleasant person to be around. I've morphed into this creature with a myopic sense of self, such that the world could just as well be blown into smithereens & all I'd be thinking about is 'poor ol' me'.
It's only yesterday that the Holy Spirit led me to do some serious introspection, particularly after I'd spoken ill of someone. No sooner had I tried painting the person in a negative light,did I really start listening to myself, and what I heard wasn't orchestral. I heard the strains of bitterness that seemed to be taking root in me. There was a broken record of 'if only's' that had made me miss out on the simple joys of relating with others; enjoying friendship and fellowship while accepting that perfection is God and God alone. I heard chords of guilt and shame, about a past that refused to accept that God's grace was more than a soothing balm; it was also a healing balm.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6
I believed that I had been praying my worry away, until God's spirit showed me what my prayers had really been: demands and threats. I, Muhito, demanded that the God of the universe attend to my needs immediately, in a manner that I deemed fit. I read my Bible (more like skimmed and schemed through it), all the while twiddling my thumbs awaiting the opportunity to present my list to God. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with presenting your list of requests to God, but the attitude really matters. You see, my heart wasn't in thanksgiving mode at any one point. Instead of praising while waiting, I was busy pouting & throwing myself a pity party. I even went as far as mentally listing all the bad things that had happened in my life & trying to arm-twist God into making things easier for me henceforth.The result? peace eluded me and my nights were spent soaking up my pillow with tears.
Our God is indeed a merciful God, and even after I'd thrown what could only be compared to a ginormous toddler tantrum at a candy aisle,He reached down and picked me off the floor. Just like a toddler, I resisted. My arms were flailing about in anything but worship. I was screaming inwardly and tears blurred my vision - but Father continued to hold me. And when the tears had dried up and the fight in me had taken flight, I looked up and saw a face that loved me, in spite of everything. That for me, is the definition of grace.
